A Collection of

 Limericks

 

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There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It's just as I feared!

Two owls and a hen,
Four larks and a wren

Are making a nest in my beard!"

~ Edward Lear

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An elderly bride of Port Jervis

Was quite understandable nervis.

Since her apple-cheeked groom,

With three wives in the tomb,

Kept insuring her during the service.

~ Ogden Nash

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A young gourmet dining at Crewe

Found a rather large mouse in his stew.

Said the waiter, "Don't shout

And wave it about,

Or the rest will be wanting one, too."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a young lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died.

While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,

And made cider inside her inside.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Said an envious, erudite ermine,

"There's one thing I cannot determine:

When a girl wears my coat,

She's a person of note.

When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a young lady named Rose

Who had a large wart on her nose.

When she had it removed

Her appearance improved,

But her glasses slipped down to her toes.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An elderly man called Keith

Mislaid his set of false teeth -

They'd been laid on a chair,

He'd forgot they were there,

Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a young lady named Harris

Whom nothing could ever embarrass

'Til the salts that she shook

In the bath that she took

Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And now he's a college professor.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a young fellow called Binn

Who was so excessively thin

That when he essayed

To drink lemonade

He slipped through the straw and fell in.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a young man from Dealing
Who caught the bus for Ealing.

It said on the door
“Don't spit on the floor”

So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An artistic young man called Bo,
To an art class decided to go.

The teacher said, "Nnot right
Your page is all white!"

Bo said, "It is a polar bear in snow."

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was an old person of Fratton
Who would go to church with his hat on.

'If I wake up,' he said,
'With a hat on my head,

I will know that it hasn't been sat on.'

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was an old man from Milan,
Whose limericks never would scan.

When told this was so,
He said, 'yes, I know.

'But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.'

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The 3 line Limerick

 

There was a young fellow from France

Who waited ten years for his chance.

        Then he muffed it.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Crossword Puzzle Limerick

First created by John Dole, they read

like the definitions in a puzzle.

 
A crossword compiler named Moss
Who found himself quite at a loss

When asked, “Why so blue?”
Said, “I haven’t a clue

I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.”

~ John Dole

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“It’s crescent shaped rolls that I want” 
Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.
        “Didn’t rush off to town
        And just scarf 1 Down;
I relaxed when I 8 Across aunt.” 

~ Arthur Deex

 

On Science and Math

 

There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.

She left home one day
In a relative way

And returned on the previous night.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

'Tis a favorite project of mine,

A new value of pi to assign.

I would fix it at 3,

For it's simpler, you see,

Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There once was a fly on the wall

I wonder why didn't it fall

Because its feet stuck

Or was it just luck

Or does gravity miss things so small?

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,

To his offspring both female and male,

"From your offspring, my dears,

In a couple of years,

May evolve a professor at Yale."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It filled Galileo with mirth
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.

He gladly proclaimed,
"Their rates are the same,

And quite independent of girth!"

 

Then Newton announced in due course
His own law of gravity's force:

"It goes, I declare,
As the inverted square

Of the distance from object to source."

 

But remarkably, Einstein's equation
Succeeds to describe gravitation

As spacetime that's curved,
And it's this that will serve

As the planets' unique motivation.

 

Yet the end of the story's not written;
By a new way of thinking we're smitten.

We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn

The Superstring Theory of Witten!

 

A flea and a fly in a flue

Were caught, so what could they do?

Said the fly, "Let us flee."

"Let us fly," said the flea.

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A mosquito was heard to complain,
'A chemist has poisoned my brain!'

The cause of his sorrow
was paradichloro-

triphenyldichloroethane.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm papering walls in the loo
And quite frankly I haven't a clue;

For the pattern's all wrong
(Or the paper's too long)

And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I bought a new Hoover today,
Plugged it in in the usual way,

Switched it on - what a din;
It sucked everything in,

Now I'm homeless with no place to stay. 

   ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Limericks I cannot compose
With noxious smells in my nose;

But this one was easy
I only felt queasy

Because I was sniffing my toes.

   ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At 16 I sighed as I hoped
For a bike like a Harley. I groped

In my pocket for cash
And bought something less flash;

Then I sat on my moped and moped.

   ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I need a front door for my hall;
The replacement I bought was too tall.

So I hacked it and chopped it
And carefully lopped it;

And now the dumb thing is too small. 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Is it me or the nature of money
That's odd and peculiar? Funny,

But when I have dough
It goes quickly, you know,

And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm really determined and keen
To start giving this house a spring clean.

I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today ...

Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My neighbor came over to say
(Although not in a neighborly way)

That he'd knock me around
If I didn't curb the sound

Of the classical music I play.

 

I told him, "Get out of my place
You're an utter uncultured disgrace;

You're a simpleton loon.

Don't you know a good tune?"

Then he walloped me square in the face.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Remember when nearly sixteen
On your very first date as a teen

At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess

What was shown on the cinema screen. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

This limerick's simply sublime
And inspiring in meter and rhyme;

It expresses but nought
With intelligent thought

And to write it used acres of time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've done it; I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.

I could swear there are some

In my legs and my bum

I've not used since the year I was born.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As 007 walked by
He heard a wee spider say, "Hi."

But shaken, he shot
It right there on the spot

As it tried to explain, "I'm a spi ..."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

There was a young dentist who thrilled
To the sound of a tooth being filled;

He would practise, they said
Every night in his shed ..

With the old Black & Decker ™ he's skilled.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just for the “Pun” of it:

There once was a girl named Irene,

who lived on distilled kerosene.

But she started absorbin'

A new hydrocarbon,

And since then has never benzene!

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The incredible Wizard of Oz

Retired from his business becoz

Due to up-to-date science,

To most of his clients,

He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket.

But his daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man,

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A long time ago an old Squire
Met a pretty young lass in a choir

And said, "Miss, can we dance?"
But she told him, "No chance;

For I fear that I'm Handel's miss, sire."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A motor mechanic named Fox
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.

They laid him to rest
In his boots and his vest

With his spanner and jack in the box. 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The shoes of old Eskimo Joe
Fell apart as he walked in the snow.

"Have you needle and thread?"

I enquired, but he said,

"No, igloo them not sew them, you know."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A he-melon suffering droop
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop;

And he beamed as he said,
"Come away, let's be wed."

But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 "Bits of rope aren't allowed any gin",
Said the barman, "I can't let you in."

But the guy at the bar
Said, "I'm not,"  "Yes you are."

"I'm a frayed knot", he said with a grin.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 One Saturday morning at three
A cheesemonger's shop in Paree

Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound

Leaving only a pile of de brie.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 An odd-looking guy from Beruit
Held up banks in a bright-yellow suit;

More bizarre though by far,
He would wave a cigar

And shout, "Freeze there, or else I'll cheroot."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 Amazingly, antelope stew
Is supposedly better for you

Than a goulash of rat
Or Hungarian cat;

But I guess that you probably gnu.

 

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