Birthdays are good for you:
the more you have the longer you live.
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I
need all the preservatives I can get.
You're getting old when you
get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women
over fifty don't have babies;
they would put them down somewhere
and forget where they left them.
I finally got my head
together, and my body fell apart.
The older you get, the
tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring
wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at
forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.
Age is important only if
Seen it all, done it all,
can't remember most of it.
You know you're getting old
when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
Every time I think about
exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE
Sag, You're It
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
Twenty Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Signs of Wear
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
ABC's of Old Age
is for arthritis.
is for bad back.
is for chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
is for dental decay and decline.
is for eyesight can't read that top line.
is for fissures and fluid retention.
is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other such gastrointestinal glitches.
is high blood pressure.
is for itches.
is for joints that are failing to flex.
is for libido - what's happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot
for bad knee.
(I've got a few gaps in my
is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis.
is for osteo.
is for porosis.
is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
is for reflux one meal becomes two.
is for sleepless nights counting my fears.
is for tinnitus bells in my ears.
is for difficulties urinary.
is for vertigo.
About what the
as in X ray will find.
But though the word terminal rushes to
I'm proud, as
goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors